By Kaushiki Rao, Mental Health Therapist
When I started training as a therapist many years ago, it blew my mind that feelings mattered, that they weren’t inconveniences that we have to “get through”, “get out of”, “get away from” but that they were a language for knowing ourselves, understanding ourselves, for experiencing ourselves in our contexts and in our worlds at large. There are no feelings that are good while others are bad and to be avoided. It opened my world to know that feelings were as important as thoughts, that they weren’t independent of each other, that together they contributed to the full meaning of our experience. Then slowly, as I worked as a therapist, I learned that my body has a language as well – I began to listen to the voice of my body and the voices of my client’s bodies. They too contributed to how we experience and make meaning of anything.
WHAT DO FEELINGS NEED
We come into therapy hoping to feel better, to get beyond the uncomfortable or puzzling feelings we are experiencing. Too often we prioritize needing to know why we feel a certain way or what we can do about it. Always though, what our difficult feelings need is to be seen and acknowledged and been with. Sometimes we know exactly what they are, and we can acknowledge them easily. Reading this you may be feeling represented or disconnected. Other times or other feelings are vaguer – we sense them as a discomfort or an excitation maybe, but we’re unable to hold them or name them. For me feeling scared is one such – it takes me some time of feeling a kind of a pit in my stomach before I realize that what I am feeling is frightened. When I can notice and name the feeling, I don’t feel so overwhelmed by it. Some other feelings are too threatening to even sense. These feelings are there, and they come out in unconnected ways – but we don’t know they are there. A classic example for me is this: it’s terrifying to acknowledge that I feel diminished, so that unacknowledged feeling leads me to be angry. It’s safe to feel angry (for me) but so awful to feel diminished that I “refuse” to recognize it. Knowing this has helped me tune into myself more – when I’m angry now, I ask myself am I angry because I am feeling diminished or because of something else?
THE WORK OF THERAPY
When you see, acknowledge, and are with your feelings you give them air and space and allow them to move. This is one primary work that we do in therapy. We follow thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations, make them visible and make room for them. It’s surprising how very often seeing, welcoming, and making space for a feeling allows that feeling to transform, defuse, or simply float out the door.
These are things we can absolutely do for ourselves. Naming our feelings or our bodily sensations out loud can be a powerful exercise in making room for oneself. Sharing it with a friend can be potent.
But some feelings may not seem acceptable to name, and other feelings are invisible to us. Here, a therapist may be able to help see an invisible feeling or help hold the weight of the unacceptability. People who work with me often bring feelings like anxiety or sadness or worry. I hold these feelings together with them and help them see that sometimes underneath these lie more invisible feelings like fear or grief or shame. Seeing, naming, and making room for these deeper feelings, and witnessing the feeling of unacceptability that often goes along with them, is what allows these difficult feelings to transform and defuse.
Often in our first session my client will ask me, “Is it normal that I’m feeling this way? Am I normal?” My reply is always, “Yes!” Every feeling is an ordinary and profound part of being human. I notice that there are two types of feelings about which my clients ask me this question. The first is when the feeling they are experiencing is disparaged by the world: jealousy comes to mind. Yet, jealousy is simply our desire for what we recognize we want but don’t have. When we acknowledge jealousy, we make room to move toward that thing that we want. The second instance is when the feeling is depleting to be with or will not go away. Sadness is one such feeling; so is wanting to hurt oneself. When we acknowledge our sadness, we acknowledge how much something means to us. Wanting to hurt oneself can be (and this may surprise you) a form of self-protection. Through being with these depleting and difficult feelings, the work of therapy can help you discover what your feelings are saying to you. Having a witness for your feelings allows you to be seen in your fullness. When you can be met in your vulnerability you can end up making room for your strength.
How does this work in practice? Typically, in our sessions I will invite you speak from where you are at in the moment. What brings you to me that day, what troubles you right now, how does your trouble make you feel? We explore how you are thinking about your trouble, what body sensations come up as you talk about your trouble. We spend time with your feelings, and you’ll notice that as we do that, those feelings shift in some way – either in intensity or quality or they may transform into other feelings entirely. This shift will make possible new thoughts about your trouble and bring up new body sensations. We stay with those new thoughts, ideas, sensations and come back to how they make you feel, which will then lead to a further shift. This is the embodied, iterative process by which we address what is troubling you in your life.
AN ANCHOR FOR DIFFICULT TIMES
I leave here a favourite poem of mine, an anchor that tethers me when I have feelings that are very difficult for me to be with. This was composed by Jalal al-Din Muhammad Rumi, a 13th century Sufi, poet, and scholar from Central Asia:
Guesthouse**
** translated by Coleman Barks
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
I hope Rumi’s words will be an anchor for you as well.
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